My Introspection

To the light of my life... to my Son

2010-05-28T12:30:00.001-07:00

It’s been 1 year today that we took you home - my child you are growing up. It seems like it was yesterday. I fall in love with you deeper and deeper each and every day.

Its still fresh in my mind - meeting you for the first time. The doctor pulled you out and held you up, and when I saw you for the first time, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! You cried and it made Amma cry because I had waited so long to meet you and hear that sound. I held you in my arms and you looked right in my eyes. It was the most magical moment of my entire life. In that moment, I knew I was your mother and you were my son and you would change my life forever…

It has been an incredible year. I saw your toothless smile, your first giggles, and I cheered you on when you began to roll for the first time. I love watching you curl up and lay your fluffy, brown hair onto my arms and sleepily close your eyes - yet a contented smile remains on your face. I love the way you convince me with that 4 teethed grin.

You melt my heart every time you smile, and when you lay your head on my shoulder after a long day…it helps make the world right again.

And now, you are a little boy laughing, talking, charming every person who is lucky enough to meet you. You are standing on your own and learning your first steps, you are one now, but beginning a journey—A journey that will take you in many different directions and teach you many things. As I sit here and watch you cautiously take your first of many steps in life, I think of the man I hope you’ll become and that I will do anything under the sun to be a good mother to you and help guide you in your journey through childhood and into adulthood.

I will forever cherish the memories gained and the joy I have received watching you, loving you.

You are my sunshine, my heart, my purpose for being—my everything. I’m so very proud of you and honored to be your Mumma. This last year has been filled with priceless memories and I look forward to so many more to come.

I can’t wait to see what happens during the next years.

I love you Chicku

Amma

I just know u r my love,

2009-09-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

I just know u r my love,
My love forever…
Let the world be harsh to me,
But I am the same….my thoughts are the same,
I just know u r my love,
My love for ever…

It is u, whom I love,
I know I am fooling myself waiting for u
But I am glad to be a fool this time..
I just know u r my love
My love forever ...

Be not be rude my love
Be not be harsh on me
I know I have not told u till date
But I guess this is the way to say
I just know u r my love
My love forever…

Semi-circle of Trust

2009-09-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

I have always been under the impression that trust and respect are the two pillars of love. If you understand the two pillars you sustain in any relationship be it mother, wife or sister.

It was quite recently that I came across this funny term 'Circle of trust' from the movie Meet the Parents where the bride’s father maintained a circle of trust within his family. Now let me explain what does this Circle of trust mean. It means No Secrets and No Lies. I was wondering if such a circle really exists and if I had such a circle. After thinking for a while, since my childhood I just had 2 member in my circle of trust my sister and me – we had absolutely no secrets and never lied to each other. It was 3 years back that a new member was added to my circle – my husband and now Chiku. Well the circle is growing. By the way here the circle is bit incomplete, since I believe there is no such circle between my sister and my husband. So here it’s a semi-circle of trust :)

So now looking at the first statement that I made, do I love non-members? Yes I do love my parents and grandmom. But they are not part of the circle because I have some secrets from them and I guess they too. Also dad had way too many secrets which disqualify him to be in any circle.

Why am I talking about all these today – I am seeing that some of the links in my semicircle is breaking since past few months. I am trying to fix my semicircle but as I fix one link the other link breaks. As some great person said “Trust is like a vase.. Once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.” I am seriously worried that one of the pillars of love is falling.

Now I realize that this circle is just ideal and to achieve the ideal is almost hopeless.
Here is the latest math on the 2 pillars
Do not trust anybody 100% because those you trust the most can steal the most
Respect follows equality because men are respectable only as they respect
So here is the outcome - Love but don’t love whole-heartedly, because it will break your heart one day.

Culinary Skill

2009-09-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

I never thought I will have an entry named “Culinary Skill” in my blog :)
Cooking is an interesting subject for many but not me. Despite, I survived for the past 3 years with my innovative styles and styles derived from my roommates.
My roommates were mostly from North India, so was my cooking style.

Today I was chatting with my colleague on the various Indian dishes. I was always under the impression that North Indians (include all states) have more variety of dishes than the South. But then I started counting the number of dishes that my mom used to make. The count went on. There are large variety of dishes which are peculiar to Kerala, be it vegetarian or the spicier non-vegetarian, be it the rice flavoured savoury 'appams' or those crunchy chips variety, be it the delicious seafood delicacies or the leafy or root vegetables Kerala has it all. Each dish has its unique taste. It was now that I realized that I don’t know to cook any of the stuffs from my own land – Kerala except Sambhar and Rasam.

Well that’s not good. My son should be able to taste each of stuff that his mom loves to eat. Though not a pro, I should learn to make those dishes.

Well let me list down all the items that my mom cooked.
I will start with vegetarian since my husband is a vegetarian. Pssst…I have been a core non-vegetarian and I like non-veg more.

Breakfast:

Idli (savoured with coconut chutney/ ulli chamandi/ Sambhar)
Dosa
Appam
Pathiri
Kozhikatta
Puttu (with kadala/pappadam/pazham)
Nool puttu
Upmaav (made of rava/podiari/sevaya/Lapsee)
Ada

Curries:

Sambhar
Avial
Kalan (kaya/chena/mango)
Olan
Kuruk kalan
Rasam
Elishery
Malagusham (7-8 types)
Pachadi
Paripu (Daal)

Muringadaella curry
Cherupayar

Payasam:
Paripu pradaman
Pazham vazhatiya payasam
Chakka Payasam
Palada (My all time favourite)
Ari payasam (with milk or sharkara)

Pickles:

Pulinchi
Vadopuli
Kadumanga
Maangakari

Sabji:
Varieties of sabji’s with 95% of the vegetables in India.
Most of the sabjis are less spicy like mezhukupurati

Snacks

Unni appam
Paripu vada
Uzhunu vada
Kaya varuthatu
Achapam
Sharkara upperi
Pazham pori
Muruku
Pooram varuthatu
Avil kuzhachatu
Cherupayarum sharkarayum
Kuva verukiyathu

Yumm.. it’s an exhaustive list. Also I have forgotten few names. Sista please help me. So for now I will stop here and will start with my favorite section Non-Veg. I prefer mostly small sea fishes and chicken – Only home made.

Chicken…. exclusively the one cooked by my dad. I am not sure of his recipe, but whatever style he tries it turns out very tasty.
My mom is a pro in fish curry. All my friends and relatives love her style and they specially come to have fish cooked by her.
verum puli
verum puli with pacha manga
Malsyam patichadu with kodampuli
varutha arachu vechatu
Kurumolaku arachu vechatu
Roasted fish
Fried fish

Well I am very hungry now. It’s been ages since I had fish. I will have to wait for mom for non-vegetarian.
But I can start with my lessons for vegetarian dishes. So here I take the oath that I will cook at least one of these vegetarian dish every week. :)

10 Reasons which makes my Dad PERFECT

2009-08-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

1. He always had faith in me, that I will do good in my life
2. He taught me to be independent
3. He always kept faith in my decisions and supported me.
4. He always kept quiet in the worst situations, thinking I’ll get hurt
5. He never gave me choices and respected what I chose.
6. He always provided me the BEST, never asked anything in return
7. He is always my luck.
8. He is always there when I need him
9. He loves me more than I loved him
10. And, He is there when I cry, He is there when I fall, He is there when I broke his heart, With love above all.

Love you Acha

To My Confidante...

2008-12-27T23:36:00.000-08:00

Bestest of my friend, greatest of my treasures.
A sister by blood, A friend by choice – that’s my angry young Unni.
Every body says she is strong by heart… but I know when it comes to her loved ones, she is the weakest. Ready to give all what she has.

She is a very level-headed girl, ambitious and I am sure she will reach the sky one day.
Simba - She will rule one day!

I still remember the first time I saw her... (Nobody would believe that I still remember, since I am too old now) she was the cutest baby with curls. Some one told me that I can’t take her home since she has some wounds on her legs pointing to a red mark on her little chubby thighs. From then she is my sole companion till my 27th year of age.

Remember those nights when she won’t let me sleep and the morning when she is too lazy to wake up …. Her bubbly mouth: P

Shhh… she is one who can keep my wildest secrets as SECRETS. I am the blessed to have a sister like her, who stands by me during my toughest times and loves me whole heartedly.

I cherish each and every moment spent with her… She is my childhood, she is my friend, she is my constant encouragement, she is my unconditional support, she is my unni…Wish you the best Simba!

Love
Chechi

A moment in my tummy… a lifetime in my heart!

2008-10-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the most beautiful day ever… ever in my life…. And am sure the beauty will increase every moment.

I had been for my first ultrasound. Though the image wasn’t that clear.. I could see some flicker. It was the heart beat. It’s so amazing. I am so excited. Really God is so creative… and human being the most wonderful creations.

I am touched. Today I feel I am a mother… To be a mom is the greatest gift from God. I am so proud.

O' my sweet heart… I wish to see your heart beat again and hear it through out my life.
You know... I can’t wait to see you.
I love you

Mumma

BELIEF

2008-09-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books. Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true.

I didnt say this.. Its Budha :) Isn't it nice?

Confrontations!

2007-11-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

I had been in a rather depressing mood of late. This depression is irking me; it’s eating up my patience and threatening my very own sanity.

Loneliness sucks. I am on the brink of intensive suffocation. It has simply magnified out of proportion since last few days. Even so, I kept my suffering to myself and tried to drown it with other distractions – which aren’t working that well.

Lot of things going around in the mind… Nothing seems to be working. I need to get out of this. I know, I can help myself by closing the eyes to my feelings… but I am unable to stop my faulty thought.

But I should keep myself going, since I have lot to do for the people who love me the most. Hope I will get out it soon, for there is a silver lining in every dark cloud.

TRUTH is Sometimes HARSH

2007-11-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

I have a habit of browsing through stuffs which is out of my gamut. It was during my school days, I used to read a lot about management. Lot of interesting jargons -motivation, delegation, employee satisfaction, blah… blah… out of which employee satisfaction tops the list.

But in reality – it’s way different. I don’t say always. I still respect my first manager – a perfect leader. But here they have issues in even providing the basic necessity - workspace. A factor which leads to employee satisfaction…. Naah… vendor satisfaction.
What a discrimination!!! It’s awful.

It’s difficult for good people to survive with many churlish people around. There is no harm in someone becoming shrewd but should learn to appreciate the effort put in by others.

It’s a sort of sadism that is prominent in the people here. They enjoy putting others in trouble, despite the benefit taken out from their skills.

Here is another example P.S - not a manager.

I have heard him using abusing terms against someone. At first I thought he is a racist. It’s quite recently that I realized that he is churlish.

Different people different thoughts. In short all can be classified as a species of their own kinds :- ). Can’t deny psychology is an interesting subject. I think its my new area of interest :- )

I am seriously worried for Super Man who tries to fight with these egoistic around. Hope he is not putting himself in trouble. Wish he survives every evil against him. Truth is Beautiful… yeah at times its harsh and one need courage to speak out the HARSH Truth.

Kal Ho Na Ho

2007-01-24T04:52:00.000-08:00

Truly life is so unpredictable. We should always be planned for the unplanned. Consider my own life it was so different a month back and now it’s so different. A totally different approach towards life with entire new set of priorities.

Earlier, the only thing I was keen about was to “Make big in career”. I had never given that much of importance to many factors in life like spending time with parents, love etc etc. I have always been busy with few trivial issues, which actually don’t count anywhere. And now it’s different with lots of added responsibilities.

I never knew that I was so rich. It was quite recently that one of my good friends pointed out that she actually felt jealous seeing the number of friends I have.

It’s during trying times that you realize the value of friends. Truly friends mean so much, more than any of the relatives. Without them, it really would have been a one-man show in my case, which might have gone flop. A flop at the stake of a LIFE. I know, they wont like me showing gratitude, but you all mean so much to me. I am among the God’s blessed few to have the best of friends around.

It’s during these times you look for a shoulder to cry on. Through out the tough times I had tried my best to be strong. Yeah... I do agree I have cried a couple of times but before people whom I love the most, trust the most and who would understand me. Few may say I am weak ;) but never mind… may be that’s true as well. Who won’t be weak when it comes on you?

Beyond doubt life is lived one day at a time. So we should live them with spirit. Make new friends and add spirit to your life.

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive.
I asked God for water,
He gave me an ocean.
I asked God for a flower,
He gave me a garden.
I asked God for a friend,
He gave me all of YOU...
If God brings you to it,
He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God

To my world… To my identity… To my Mother

2007-01-24T03:06:00.000-08:00

I love you Amma. She is from a small village in North Kerala, a bit conservative and concerned about all small happenings around her. She always preferred to keep us protected under her wings. I used to be upset with her for the over concern and strict curfew timings (9.00PM).

She is a very kind hearted woman with a lovely smile. The warmth in her smile is worth a million dollars. I always wished to look like her; at least I wish I had her cute smile.

She has dedicated all her life to us, me and my sister. I am very proud of my upbringing. Today whatever I am it’s just because of my Mom.

She has always been a strong pillar for me. She is my strength. She is my weakness.

I love you so much Mumma.

Aamchi Mumbai

2006-12-07T01:59:00.001-08:00

It’s been a long time that I wrote something, the reason being nothing great is happening in my life for the past few months. Nor did I meet any interesting person, who would give an inspiration to write. Its almost 5 months now, the monotonous routine has been killing me. Wake up in the morning, dress-up and travel by train then by bus to reach office, to find that there is no work in my plate.

Today I wasn’t feeling like coming to office, so I lazed in the bed till 8.30, until my mom scolded me asking what are your plans for the day? My mom wasn’t keeping well for the past few days, so I have made it a point that I will never carry my frustration at work place to home, which would add tension to mom. So without telling her anything I got out of the bed. I had to pass time, so I browsed through the newspaper, from which I came to know that there would be water cut in Mumbai for 2 days. When I told this to my mom, she got worried. But obvious, with guests at home it would be difficult for her to manage the household without water. I was happy that I got a reason to stay back at home for some more time :-). I decided to help my mom with the household.

Finally at 10:30 AM, I started for work. The climate here is terrible. Mumbai is getting hotter day by day. God knows where its gonna end!

The train wasn’t much crowded, I was just about to board the train that a lady came in between and she pushed me. I fell down badly on my knees and tumbled down flat on to the platform. Some how I managed to stand up, a couple of fellow passengers helped me. Right at that moment, I didn’t bother about any anything and got into the train. To my surprise, that lady was there, a typical mallu aunty in her late 50s standing right in front of me. My hands and knees were paining badly and I was all in dust. And that shameless woman didn’t even bother to look at me or say a sorry.

Actually speaking, I am very particular about cleanliness; though I am not very keen about make-up and cosmetics, always make sure that am neatly dressed. My filthy dress added to my irritation. Blame my temperament, whenever I am angry I make it a point that the other person know that I am angry on him/ her.

Again gave a bad stare to that lady!!! Thought for a moment… considering her age factor I should be cautious while talking to her. But it’s me, had to say something. Controlling my temper; in the softest tone I could, I asked her, “Aunty you should have shown the minimum courtesy to look back, at least for the sake of humanity”. She didn’t like it, gave a bad look and said, “Who has the time.”

This is not the way one should apologize; I felt bad all the more. But there was no point in extending the argument, with that senseless sick woman.
After reaching office, I found that my knee was swollen and there were scrapes all over my hands. My colleagues got some painkiller tablets and ointment for the first-aid. Sortta relieved now, but decided to leave for home early.

This whole incident reminded me of a conversation with a good old friend. He never liked Mumbai, always keep telling me that Mumbai is not a good place. All of them are busy with their never-ending race; never have time for friends and family, to which I always opposed. Though born in Kerala, I am bought up in Mumbai, so very much a Mumbai girl. I love this place although over-crowded and not so clean. Love the people and their attitude here. So I try giving him a list examples and my experience to prove the worth my heaven…Mumbai. He always countered saying, its because I had always someone to support and protect me like parents, friends etc due to which I am unaware of the real world.

But today, for a moment I changed my opinion and looked at Mumbai through my friend’s eye. These are few lines from the movie Lage Raho Munnabhai which I watched quiet recently. It’s so true!!! I could relate to it so well.

" Shaher ki es daud me daud ke karna kya hai?
Jab yehi jeena hai dosto to phir marna kya hai?"

CHASING DREAMS

2006-11-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well… these days people keep on asking me, why do you sound so low and why so depressed? At times, I wonder is my condition really piteous!

May be there is some fault in my way of expressing emotions . I am not depressed, but fed up of my present sluggish life. It’s my rage that makes me look so disturbed. Even after striving hard, things are dormant.

Feels like life is going nowhere. When will God notice my struggle and answer my prayers. Everyday I pray to God, for something good to happen. But each day ends with a disappointment. At least to add a zing in His child’s life He should do some miracles :))

Hmm…most likely He is also fed up of his routine… answering prayers, miracles...etc etc.

But if we had no faith in the ultimate God, we would loose hope. My Grandma always says, “Some day some how whatever you prayed for will come true. It may not be the exact package you wanted, but it’ll be what God thinks is the best for you”. But don’t you feel there is something missing in my Grandma’s words.Exactly... DEADLINES!!! There should be a deadline before which God should answer the prayer. I feel that whatever happen should happen at the right time in your life, otherwise it loses its charm.

Isn’t this crazy, every time I pray and ask something to God, I say this is the last wish and I wont ask any more. But is that true????Sometimes back I wished I could become a doctor. I worked towards it and also prayed, prayed and prayed; but I didn’t. Instead became a software engineer. Then I thought, might be my grandma is right. Probably God thinks this is the best. But till date I don’t admit:(

Then I prayed for a job and after getting a job, am I really satisfied?? What is that I am craving for? What is going to satisfy me?

Oh God! This is an endless list. But still I feel it’s my right to dream and ask for more to God.

Don’t you feel that dreams are necessary to life? To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.Now my latest dream is an MBA from one of the best B-Schools. Too big a dream:)) But not impossible, ofcourse! Let us see if God grants my wish, or is there anything else he thinks is best for me.

But I will continue to chase my dreams. I wish my God were there with me every moment.

So here's the song for me :)

Free is all you gotta be
dream dreams no one else can see
sometimes ya wanna run away
but ya never know what might be comin' round your way
ya ya ya

On a day like today
the whole world could change
the sun's gonna shineshine thru the rain
on a day like today
ya never wanna see the sun go down
ya never wanna see the sun go down

Somewhere - there's a place for you
I know that you believe it too
sometimes if you wanna get away
all ya gotta know is what we got is here to stay
all the way

Love and Marriage

2006-11-25T09:05:00.000-08:00

I had a very different opinion about love and marriage. I had decided in my mind that I would never fall in love. Well, I had a different perception on love and marriages, a very conservative mindset. I always considered love marriage as taboo for me… just for me… Rather it was instilled in to me right from my childhood by my parents. So I had decided that I would never fall in love with anybody. I had nothing against people who go for love marriage. According to me “Let not Love be the basis for getting married. Rather allow love to be the result of a good marriage. Focus on other ingredients in the relationship and true love will seep in sooner than you think.”

A marriage is supposed to last a lifetime and it’s precisely this lifetime that needs to be the focus. It is more of indulging in activities that help us bond together or act more like a catalyst to help each other succeed, where two people share a common life purpose.

Its more of knowing what each one of us want out of life and having known that agree to strengthen the bond that exist between the two, with immense trust and respect for each other.

But now analyzing my conviction, can this be achieved by arranged marriage. Arranged marriage is altogether a gamble. Here you know nothing about the trait of the person, with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life. Whereas in love marriage there is at least 60% knowledge about the person as far as the character goes, until and unless you have fallen for a total fraud. And I am sure they must be fools. Hmm… well then why not go for the second option?

Since I have given it a thought, I have to prioritize the quality that I am looking forward in that someone special. The first thing that attracts any one is looks. Since I myself having very average looks, I should not expect that he should be damn handsome, but surely lovable. I would give more preference to smartness and intelligence. He should be a good friend to me, who understands me and knows my virtues and weakness and vice versa. This is not to avoid the differences between us, but to know where one should stop when the other looses temper. He should have a dignified persona.

Well I don’t think I am asking for too much. So I have the right to ask more. As I mentioned earlier, this is a relation, which should sustain lifelong. Hence the role of family is very important. I would like to be more of a daughter than a daughter-in-law. This would help each other to forgive simple mistakes that we commit.

I thought of rewinding all the faces I know, who at some time had shown interest in me. All I could find in most of them were that typical male chauvinism. Betrayal and male chauvinism are the two traits that I cannot withstand. Let me give an example; I remember a person in my college who flirts with four girls at the same time. As per him it’s good to have options… disgusting person! I hate him. It’s a total time-pass for him, but he is ignoring the fact that he is playing with emotions.

These incidents around me keep on confusing me, due to which I am unable to readily trust anyone. My parents’ concerns are quite understandable. I know it’s high time for a girl to get married, but I am still not ready for that. Probably it’s because I have never given a thought on marriage. But whenever I get married, it should a love marriage rather than an arranged one. At times I wonder during these long 25 years, I should have at least met one person with whom I would like to be spend rest of my life. As one of my best buddies said “It’s a negotiation”. In pure business terms let’s see when the bid happens and both party agree and finally ratification in front of the 'Holy Fire'.